Genius Owen? Really?
by bbb136
Summary: There's a reason you don't see the Torchwood pterodactyl in season three. The usual, if not slightly crackish Torchwood fun from Ianto, Owen, Jack, Gwen and Tosh. Mentions of J/I and O/T


**Disclaimer: **I do not own the spin-off Torchwood.

**Warnings: **A few counts of bad language, minor sexual references and an awful lot of dialogue. Dive right in.

* * *

><p>"Owen I don't think this was one of your best ideas."<p>

"Shut it tea-boy, this was genius."

"Clearly it _wasn't_. Besides, the last time you said that Tosh had to be put off duty for a week while she recovered."

"How was I supposed to know she was working?"

"This is Tosh, if she's not unconscious she's working."

"She completely overreacted anyway…"

"You deleted a years worth of data."

"Not on purpose!"

"You still did it!"

"She still overreacted!"

"A years work!"

"…"

"…"

"I did make it up to her."

"I'd hardly call going out with _you_ suitable compensation."

"I'd hardly call shagging Jack 'Weevil hunting'."

"What- _how do you_-"

"Oh Christ I was just _teasing_. You guys actually…?"

"…"

"That… is so much more than I ever needed to know about you and the boss."

"Owen-"

"I think I need some Retcon."

"Owen listen-"

"Or alcohol. Whichever knocks me out quicker."

"Owen will you get your head out of that cupboard and listen to me!"

"…"

"_Thank you_. Look that's not important right now. What _is_ however is your _total lack of common sense_!"

"You are such a drama queen!"

"No Owen I'm just _sensible_."

"Not sensible enough to not shag on the job I see- oh close your mouth you look like you're trying to swallow flies!"

"You are _so_-"

"Though if what Tosh says is true you prefer swallowing something _else_…"

"_Tosh? What_?"

"Tosh monitors the CCTV, remember? Apparently you and Jack have been putting on 'one hell of a show'."

"…"

"Yeah I know."

"That's…"

"Plain weird. Definitely weirder than some of the alien shit that gets thrown our way anyway. I didn't know what the hell was wrong with her either."

"… Does she really…?"

"Yeah. But if it helps I don't think Jack knows about it."

"How does that help?"

"Less embarrassment for the gay boys?"

"Hey!"

"Oh shut up you know I'm right! And you _also_ know I was completely justified in tonight's actions."

"No, everything you've done has just been one big, bad idea!"

"Don't write my plans off so quickly tea-boy, you'll be surprised at how well it's going to work once it comes back."

"I'm just surprised you've got this far and haven't gotten injured to be honest- oh wait…"

"Fuck off it only grazed my shoulder."

"Honestly- all your ideas end in disaster Owen, I mean that sedative was only meant to knock her out and instead it's-"

"Alright there were some problems-"

"'_Some_ problems?'"

"Okay fine a few! But the important thing is that it's all _sorted out_."

"The damage to the hub?"

"Can be fixed."

"Who'd you think has to do that?"

"Some useless guy who shags his boss in his spare time?"

"_Owen_."

"I'm just saying!"

"Why do you have to cause so many problems?"

"Hey I was trying to solve one when this whole mess happened."

"It was _completely_ unnecessary."

"Says you, you're not the one who got _dive bombed_ every time you walked through the _fucking door_!"

"Maybe if you weren't so unlikeable it wouldn't happen!"

"Oh what so you're safe because you're secretly a princess and everything loves you?"

"How the hell does Tosh put up with you?"

"I don't know, how the hell did you put up with Lisa?"

"_You son of a_-"

"OW that _hurt _you arsehole!"

"You are such a bastard!"

"Least' I didn't nearly kill the entire team because I was too hung up on my _Cyberman girlfriend_!"

"At least I didn't shoot Jack in the head because I couldn't handle my girlfriend _leaving me!"_

"_I'm going to kill you_-"

"Wait, what's that?"

"_I don't care_ now hold still while I-"

"Be quiet! Listen."

"…"

"…"

"Oh shit."

"Oh no."

"They're coming back."

"As soon as they see this place they're going to be so-"

"Hide!"

"We can't just _hide_!"

"Do you fancy getting chewed out by Gwen, Tosh _and_ Jack, all at the same time?"

"…"

"Didn't think so now hide you idiot!"

"Where?"

"Anywhere just get out of- oh shit the door!"

* * *

><p>"Ah, that took forever."<p>

"Ianto can you get me some coffee? I need some of your coffee magic so bad."

"..."

"..."

"Ianto?"

"Hello? Anybody in- JESUS CHRIST WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED?"

"Gwen what on earth are you shouting about- OH MY GOD!"

"Ladies what's wrong with- _woah_ what the _fuck_?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"The-the hub, it's- it's been _attacked_!"

"I didn't get any alerts! The Hub Defence System is meant to notify our devices in the event of an emergency!"

"Maybe the system got disabled- Ianto? Owen? Are you guys here?"

"IANTO? OWEN?"

"When I find who's responsible for this I'm going to tear them limb from limb."

"Jack!"

"I mean it Gwen! Who ever trashed my hub is going to get some serious pain, and _God_ if they've hurt them…"

"I'll access the CCTV and find out exactly what happened here!"

"For Christ's sake Tosh do it quickly! Who knows what happened to Owen and Ianto!"

"... Okay, I'm just pulling up the feeds- ARGH!"

"Tosh!"

"SOMETHING JUST GRABBED MY LEG- Ianto? What are you doing under my desk?"

"Er..."

"Ianto are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Jack-"

"What the hell happened Ianto?"

"And where's Owen? Is he alright?"

"Was there an attack? Why didn't you call us?"

"And what were you doing under Tosh's desk?"

"I was… cleaning?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… It was all Owen's idea I swear I had nothing to do with it-"

"You arsehole you had as much a part in it as I did!"

"Owen where the hell did you come from?"

"Owen are you alright?"

"Owen what happened here?"

"Ianto I'm going to remember this so the next time you slip up _I will not be patching you back together afterwards_-"

"Owen- what the fuck happened here?"

"I mean it tea-boy now look, Jack, I can explain _everything_."

"Start talking – wait, you're the one who destroyed my hub?"

"Ianto helped!"

"Don't pin this on me!"

"Can somebody please tell me what's going on?"

"Quiet Gwen- now both of you- _talk_. Why does my hub look like it's just been attacked by a group of rampaging Weevils?"

"…"

"…"

"_Tell me_."

"… I was just trying to make our lives easier."

"Don't you mean _'your'_ life Owen?"

"Fuck off tea-boy I was doing everybody a favour!"

"Everyone except Myfanwy."

"What happened to Myfanwy?"

"Who the heck is Myfanwy?"

"The pterodactyl Gwen, the one which flies around the hub."

"Because its so easy to get confused with the _other _pterodactyl..."

"You actually _named_ it?"

"People I am trying to get the story here!"

"..."

"Sorry."

"Sorry Jack."

"… Alright now keep talking, what does Myfanwy have to do with anything- where is Myfanwy now that you mention it?"

"…"

"…"

"Owen, Ianto, what did you _do_?"

"It was Owen! I only came in to it when Myfanwy started going berserk and that was only to try and calm her down!"

"She didn't go _berserk_ she just had a little reaction to the sedative that's all…"

"Sedative?"

"Owen decided it would be smart to try sedate Myfanwy but it shockingly affected her brain and she started going on a rampage around the hub!"

"Why were you trying to sedate Myfanwy?"

"I don't know – why _were_ you trying to sedate her Owen? _Tell him_."

"Owen?"

"… I just wanted to teach her a lesson that's all."

"A _lesson_ Owen?"

"Yes Jack, a _lesson_. That stupid bird-"

"It's a pterodactyl actually Owen."

"Ye- _I_ _know_, Tosh. Anyway, that stupid _pterodactyl_ has been bothering me ever since you and Ianto first brought it in, and right after you guys left it went and-"

"She accidentally knocked over some equipment and startled Owen."

"I can tell this story by myself you know Ianto!"

"I just thought I should give Jack the unbiased facts because the way _you_ described it you'd think Myfanwy tried to kill you!"

"She _did_!"

"No she didn't she was just curious-"

"Oh _curious _in the same way she is about _sheep?_"

"Will you two stop bickering all ready? You've freaked us all out enough tonight, we deserve to at least know what the hell happened here!"

"…"

"…"

"Thanks Gwen."

"You're welcome Jack."

"Now, go on."

"… Well like I said, I wanted to teach her a lesson so I thought I'd put those little electric shockers –the ones on Tosh's desk- on it's wings, so any time it tried to attack me-"

"_Myfanwy does not attack you."_

"-So whenever it tried to _attack me_ I could just press a button and zap, it would go away."

"Owen that's cruel!"

"Actually Gwen the electric shockers he's talking about wouldn't cause her much pain at all… they'd be rather ineffective come to think of it."

"… Seriously?"

"We went through all that for _nothing_?"

"Hey, who's _we_?"

"Can we please just concentrate on telling me what happened? I'm getting sick of you four arguing all the time so be QUIET!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Thank you- okay, Owen. So you sedated Myfanwy and she reacted violently towards you – but even if she's mad Myfanwy cannot do _this_ much damage, her claws can't slash through metal like that. So how did my hub come to be like this?"

"… Well that sedative Jack? It's got quite a big effect on pterodactyls."

"How big are we talking Owen?"

"Try 'bigger than a fucking house' Jack."

"… Are you trying to tell us that…"

"Yes Tosh. Owen made Myfanwy grow to a size bigger than three of the SUV's combined."

"And when something's that big and it goes on a rampage…"

"There's not really much you can do."

"Except hide."

"In the archives."

"We kept watch using the CCTV."

"Though most of the camera's got broken before the end."

"We came back out when Myfanwy eventually got bored and left-"

"Myfanwy _left_?"

"How can a pterodactyl _get out of the hub_? It's not like she could have opened a d-"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Right, now about the roof."

**See this is what happens if I don't sleep for two days.**

I am so sorry.

Don't regret a thing though.


End file.
